Seeing things differently
I suppose it's only consistent with my pessimistic character.While I still DO believe in miracles and the possibilities of such, I have come to a point where I don't think I can ask for one anymore. It is one thing to believe in miracles (or rather NOT DENYING its existence) and another to NOT ASK for it.
The emotional cost is high. Much too high in fact. I just don't see how the plans and the promises we make, whether big or small, can goa against that inevitable outcome which is totally beyond your control. It's investing on something despite the writing on the wall and the gut feel everything will end in a major loss.
Why make plans for something I cannot do? Why make promises I'm not sure I can keep?
The doctors have advised us to keep her in the hospital. They say that at least in there, they can manage the pain and save her the agony of the disease ravaging her. I've suspected the doctors' conclusion ever since she went back in again. But I suppose I chose to ignore it because I was holding out for a miracle. I was hoping it would all be over soon and that we could take her home and that she'd be her vibrant, vivacious self again. I said I was ready to fight, and I did so for a while.
But after I've been forced back to reality, I feel numb.
I wish I could say I feel sad, angry, or at least, disappointed.
But really, I can't say that I do.
This is not to say that I've given up on her. Never.
But reality has to be faced, and the truth is, we're just counting the days until she finally goes Home.
Ironically, it seems to me that it is more kind to expect the worst. At least that way, there are no illusions of grand victories. Adding to that sense of irony, it's more noble to look at Defeat in the face and say, "I've been expecting you. You can do no worse than you already have." At least we've denied Defeat its final laugh.
I've given up on the miracle of a cure and the promise of her restoration. It's pointless and naive to keep on going that way.
But now, I am witnessing a different kind of miracle - one which I had failed to see even as it was unfolding before my very eyes. I am only thankful that I've come to realize it, despite how late it might be.
Everyday that she is with us is a miracle for we get to be with her for one more day.
For one more day
...we get to see her smile.
...we are able to talk to her.
...we get to hold her hand.
...we share our dreams and plans with her and she delights in them with us.
...she continues to build on her legacy.
We get to love her for one more day.
If THAT is not a miracle, I don't know what is.
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